In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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