she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
