in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no you cant smoke seaweed
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
