phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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