I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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