Having a random hookup so left but love u
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
