fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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