News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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