I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
