How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
