Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
