you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
