I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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