Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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