i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
