why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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