Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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