A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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