I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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