I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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