I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
