I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
