I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
