I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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