dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
