My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize