I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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