Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
