he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
