I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
