dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
