i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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