Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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