My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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