stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
