Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
