like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
