I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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