If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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