Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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