I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
