I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
