did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
