The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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