Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
