My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
