Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
