Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
