oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The Olympian is in my bed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
