Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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