Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
