The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
