I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
