i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
