His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
