if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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