If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
