I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
