Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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