when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
