The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
